The Weirdest Vegetables

1. Pumpkins. (Gigantic orange balls that, similar to a goldfish, will grow continuously if you leave them on the vine. You can also eat literally every part of them, including the seeds and stem, both of which are great sources of zinc, a vitamin that gives you clear skin.)

2. Celery. (The complete opposite of pumpkins, this food has absolutely zero nutritional value. It truly is just a stalk of crunchy water. Whoever taught you that Ants On A Log was a healthy snack was just trying make you fat with peanut butter.)

3. Kale. (Where the fuck did you come from, Kale? Two years ago, you were just a ugly cousin of collard greens. Now, you're used in all the hippest kitchens in NYC. Who does a vegetable have to sleep with around here to get popular, huh?)

4. Turnips. (Have you ever eaten a turnip? Is there a reason to eat a turnip? What is a turnip?)

5. Shallots. (Correct me if I'm wrong, but are shallots not just gross onions? Why are you trying to mess with a good thing? Onions were doing fine on their own, bro, why you gotta step up in their grill like that?)

The Best "Hard Body" Tattoos

1. Brandon Jennings

This is the most honest tattoo I've ever seen. Yes. It's true. You are young. And you have money. But it's the upper back placement that really does it for me. Those point guard shoulders are cantaloupes whose juice I want dripping from my lips. I make my coworkers uncomfortable because I drool at my desktop. But I feel wrong for calling this little boy sexy. He's not even old enough to drink.

2. Kenyon Martin

This guy is covered with good ink but the most notable will always be the smacking red lips printed on his neck. The voice of his ex-girlfriend, hip-hop sexpot Trina, will forever taunt the ladies of Denver through this tat of her kiss.


3. Lil Wayne

I'm not even sure if Lil Wayne counts as human anymore. He might as well classify as a breathing and walking canvas. But my favorite is the chicken scratch red ink about his eye. "I Am Music" has never sounded so hood.


4. Joel Przybilla

I love white dudes that are total softies with tough ass tattoos. Joel's cartoon of himself shaking a finger at his opponents is made especially fabulous because this guy literally has never shaken a finger at anyone. Not even a puppy.


5. Chris "The Birdman" Anderson

Another guy who is so inked, you often blend the specifics into one giant tattoo. But no one can miss the guys red feathered wings when he makes a killer dunk and flaps his arms like an eagle. A permanent costume, Chris is always dressed suited to his nickname.

Celeb Endorsements I Don't Understand

1. Fabio in I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. (I was under the impression that models cannot eat?)

2. 50 Cent in Vitamin Water. (I would expect a lollipop or a candy shop, but an energy drink? So what are you implying, Fitty? That you actually taste like grape?)

3. Luke Wilson in AT&T. (You really hate Catherine Zeta-Jones that much?)

4. Dave Matthews in NBA Cares. (You don't play basketball. Fact.)

5. Britney, Pink and Beyonce in Pepsi. (Literally, the only thing y'all have in common is your gender. And honestly, I'm not even sure about that.)

Favorite Albums of 2009

1. The Dream - Love Vs. Money

2. Dave Matthews Band - Big Whiskey and The Groogrux King

3. Lady Gaga - The Fame Monster

4. Passion Pit - Manners

5. Wale - Attention Deficit

6. Jay Z - The Blueprint III

7. Kid Cudi - The Man on the Moon

8. Owl City - Ocean Eyes

Honorable Mention: Lil Wayne - No Ceilings Mixtape