1. Pumpkins. (Gigantic orange balls that, similar to a goldfish, will grow continuously if you leave them on the vine. You can also eat literally every part of them, including the seeds and stem, both of which are great sources of zinc, a vitamin that gives you clear skin.)
2. Celery. (The complete opposite of pumpkins, this food has absolutely zero nutritional value. It truly is just a stalk of crunchy water. Whoever taught you that Ants On A Log was a healthy snack was just trying make you fat with peanut butter.)
3. Kale. (Where the fuck did you come from, Kale? Two years ago, you were just a ugly cousin of collard greens. Now, you're used in all the hippest kitchens in NYC. Who does a vegetable have to sleep with around here to get popular, huh?)
4. Turnips. (Have you ever eaten a turnip? Is there a reason to eat a turnip? What is a turnip?)
5. Shallots. (Correct me if I'm wrong, but are shallots not just gross onions? Why are you trying to mess with a good thing? Onions were doing fine on their own, bro, why you gotta step up in their grill like that?)
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