Things Boys Like To Do That I Don't

1. Scream at the television.
2. Explain what the coach should have done.
3. Compare asses of cheerleaders.

The Weirdest Vegetables

1. Pumpkins. (Gigantic orange balls that, similar to a goldfish, will grow continuously if you leave them on the vine. You can also eat literally every part of them, including the seeds and stem, both of which are great sources of zinc, a vitamin that gives you clear skin.)

2. Celery. (The complete opposite of pumpkins, this food has absolutely zero nutritional value. It truly is just a stalk of crunchy water. Whoever taught you that Ants On A Log was a healthy snack was just trying make you fat with peanut butter.)

3. Kale. (Where the fuck did you come from, Kale? Two years ago, you were just a ugly cousin of collard greens. Now, you're used in all the hippest kitchens in NYC. Who does a vegetable have to sleep with around here to get popular, huh?)

4. Turnips. (Have you ever eaten a turnip? Is there a reason to eat a turnip? What is a turnip?)

5. Shallots. (Correct me if I'm wrong, but are shallots not just gross onions? Why are you trying to mess with a good thing? Onions were doing fine on their own, bro, why you gotta step up in their grill like that?)

The Best "Hard Body" Tattoos

1. Brandon Jennings

This is the most honest tattoo I've ever seen. Yes. It's true. You are young. And you have money. But it's the upper back placement that really does it for me. Those point guard shoulders are cantaloupes whose juice I want dripping from my lips. I make my coworkers uncomfortable because I drool at my desktop. But I feel wrong for calling this little boy sexy. He's not even old enough to drink.

2. Kenyon Martin

This guy is covered with good ink but the most notable will always be the smacking red lips printed on his neck. The voice of his ex-girlfriend, hip-hop sexpot Trina, will forever taunt the ladies of Denver through this tat of her kiss.


3. Lil Wayne

I'm not even sure if Lil Wayne counts as human anymore. He might as well classify as a breathing and walking canvas. But my favorite is the chicken scratch red ink about his eye. "I Am Music" has never sounded so hood.


4. Joel Przybilla

I love white dudes that are total softies with tough ass tattoos. Joel's cartoon of himself shaking a finger at his opponents is made especially fabulous because this guy literally has never shaken a finger at anyone. Not even a puppy.


5. Chris "The Birdman" Anderson

Another guy who is so inked, you often blend the specifics into one giant tattoo. But no one can miss the guys red feathered wings when he makes a killer dunk and flaps his arms like an eagle. A permanent costume, Chris is always dressed suited to his nickname.

Celeb Endorsements I Don't Understand

1. Fabio in I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. (I was under the impression that models cannot eat?)

2. 50 Cent in Vitamin Water. (I would expect a lollipop or a candy shop, but an energy drink? So what are you implying, Fitty? That you actually taste like grape?)

3. Luke Wilson in AT&T. (You really hate Catherine Zeta-Jones that much?)

4. Dave Matthews in NBA Cares. (You don't play basketball. Fact.)

5. Britney, Pink and Beyonce in Pepsi. (Literally, the only thing y'all have in common is your gender. And honestly, I'm not even sure about that.)

Favorite Albums of 2009

1. The Dream - Love Vs. Money

2. Dave Matthews Band - Big Whiskey and The Groogrux King

3. Lady Gaga - The Fame Monster

4. Passion Pit - Manners

5. Wale - Attention Deficit

6. Jay Z - The Blueprint III

7. Kid Cudi - The Man on the Moon

8. Owl City - Ocean Eyes

Honorable Mention: Lil Wayne - No Ceilings Mixtape

Occupations I Wouldn't Mind Having

1. Butcher. (Bacon for breakfast every morning.)
2. Truck Driver. (Books on tape! Books on tape!)
3. Fitness Guru. (I look great in spandex.)
4. Dog Walker. (Puppies equal happiness.)
5. Karma Sutra Instructor. (Explanation needed?)

20th Century Classics I Have Not Read

1. Catch 22 by Joseph Heller.
2. Animal Farm by George Orwell.
3. Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury.
4. The Sound and The Fury by William Faulkner.
5. The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck.
6. Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut.
7. Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison.
8. The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemmingway.
9. Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad.
10. The Fountain Head by Ayn Rand.

Would you like to start a book club with me?

Favorite US Cities

1. Portland, Oregon. (Popular Science named it the Greenest City in America in 2008. MBD follows suit by simply naming it "favorite.")

2. New Orleans, Louisiana. (Where else can you see an Albino alligator, catch your own crawfish, get daiquiris at a drive through window, and meet the Hot Boyz? The weather doesn't hurt either.)

3. Brooklyn, New York. (The Hipster's mecca. A metropolis made up of Polish, Puerto Ricans, and post-graduate artists. Also, about 70% of America's greatest hip hop comes out of there.)

4. Boston, Massachusetts. (It's the Portland of the East Coast. And the accents are sexy.)

5. Sante Fe, New Mexico. (So many Native Americans selling so many bright beads.)

6. San Francisco, California. (Where all the best poets are from. Where all the best homos move to. Where all the best hippies go to die.)

7. Biloxi, Mississippi. (The trees on the coast line all grow sideways because Hurricane Katrina forced them to. Like a Dr. Suess book, their arms wave at you: Help me up! Help me up!)

8. Jackson Hole, Wyoming. (There is always an abundance of Hell's Angels zooming around on their hogs, shouting compliments at you. Also, the best buffalo burgers, anywhere, period.)

9. Minneapolis, Minnesota. (Atmosphere, Prince, and Jesse Ventura. There's something here for everyone. And The Walker Museum is second only to the MOMA.)

10. Seattle, Washington. (A city surrounded by water makes for good feng shui.)

Countries I Have Been To and Enjoyed

1. Ireland - Great whiskey.
2. Spain - Great architecture.
3. Costa Rica - Great jungles.
4. France - Great art.
5. England - Great history.
6. Holland - Great pot.
7. Puerto Rico - Great beaches.
8. Mexico - Great thunderstorms.
9. Wales - Great fish and chips.
10. Canada - Great variety.

High Up Places Where I've Made Out With Boys

1. The top of a fire escape at my high school.

2. The observation deck of the Empire State Building.

3. The tower of the Baton Rouge capital building.

4. The 24th story office of a VP in ODS Tower in Portland.

5. The top of a cliff at the Gorge in George, Washington.

6. The top of Lombard Street in San Francisco.

7. The U of Washington stadium over the Puget Sound.

8. The Ferris Wheel at Coney Island in New York.

Gross Animals That are Tolerable as Babies

1. Sloths

2. Tasmanian Devils

3. Goats

4. Skunks

5. Otters

Reasons Why Life Is Good Today

1. You eat tasty treats sometimes!

2. You have an interesting name!

3. You can spell pretty good!

Colors to Name Your Child After

1. Cyan
2. Chartreuse
3. Magenta
4. Sienna
5. Azure
6. Indigo
7. Periwinkle
8. Turquoise

The Beginning.

The secret of all victory lies in the organization of the non-obvious.

-Marcus Aurelius, Roman Emperor.